Tophe

I'm really going to miss the house I'm living in when I move to Sydney. As anyone who has visited can attest, I've got a really nice house with really nice things and really nice housemates. (Most of the nice things actually belong to my housemates - but in general, we all contribute to the total niceness.)

But there is our fourth housemate, Batman*, whom I've decided I will not miss at all. I know I went on about the last housemate too, and this one seemed like he was sent straight from heaven - but alas, his halo has fallen.

Don't get me wrong, he's still miles ahead of Flouncy Seashell McHomo - he's personable, intelligent, has great taste in movies, and best of all is rarely home - but when he is home he really starts to grind our gears.

Most of it comes down to the fact that even though he and his girlfriend are now both fully qualified (and employed) school teachers, they have only been out of university for a year, and still live like students. Bad ones.

It all began when I started to notice their cooking habits. Whenever Batman and his girlfriend were over, the only time you would see them would be when they hovered over the stove together (seriously, it's like they were joined at the hip), staring intently at whatever frozen rubbish they were defrosting. As soon as their "dinner" was done, they'd scuttle off into their room and watch TV in their for the night. Now that's fine as far as privacy goes, and we don't have a dining room table (it's a pool table) - but our couch seats 37 people, and we always sit in there and eat. There's room for days for everyone to hang out. But even if we're all in there eating dinner, those two won't join us - they'll scuttle off like they're heading for the border.


It wasn't long after that, that Tammy noticed that one of our Fishbowls** was gone. Zak had spotted Batman's girlfriend glad-wrapping her lunch in said bowl to take to work the day before - and the bowl has never been returned (and she's been known as 'Fishbowl' ever since - except not to her face. What are we, insensitive?).

And then Tammy's tupperware started going missing as well. Whenever she stayed over, Fishbowl would take her lunch to work in a container - and, just like the namesake fishbowl, wouldn't bring it home again. After a few weeks, Tammy actually asked for the tupperware to be returned - which it was, but still.


Then there was the Saturday morning when Tammy, Zak and I were all hungover. At some stage Zak had awoken, gone to the kitchen, cooked a whole plate of bacon...and then gone back to bed. (Zak does that when he's hungover - that way, when he's had another little nap, he can wake up to find the bacon just waiting for him in the kitchen - a technique I have to admit I totally respect.) A little after that, I woke up and stumbled out to the kitchen, to find Batman standing there, staring at the bacon like a hungry puppy. And, to continue the puppy metaphor, when he saw me walk into the room it was like he was about to piddle all over the floor, he was so excited.
"Whose bacon is this???" he barked (sorry).
"Er...I'm gonna assume that's Zak's."
"Aw, I reeeeeeally want it!" *pause* "I-I'm gonna ask if I can have it."

So he runs to Zak's bedroom door, and actually calls out through the closed door "ZAAAAAAK? Can I have your bacon?" Of course, overcome with confusion and an almighty hangover, Zak has no choice but to reply "uh...okay..?" So Batman runs back into the kitchen, shoves half the bacon down his gob, holds the other half in his hand and then runs out the door. He actually had somewhere to be, but he was waiting to see if he could eat the bacon. (No bacon has been replaced or cooked since.)


THEN there's the garbage bag situation. Batman once took out the garbage (and to this day that sentence still stands: "Batman once took out the garbage"), and when he couldn't find the new bags to put in the bin, he asked Tammy. She pointed out the cupboard, which - a) this was after two and a half months, so he gave himself away as having NEVER taken it out before; and b) what is he, eight? There are only a finite number of cupboards in the kitchen. Open them and look, fucko. He opened the cupboard she pointed out, and saw none there. But this was not enough for him - he then turned back to Tammy and said "oh...do we have any?" So Tammy had to say no, probably not, and maybe someone should buy some new ones?


AND THEN there's the toilet paper. It's a sticking point for all sharehouses. Who buys it, and when? In our house - well, we all have memories that go for longer than three seconds, so we can generally remember what level our supply is at; and we like to buy in advance so we're never caught short. If Zak and I accidentally buy some within a day or two, not realising the other person has already bought some - then bonus! We have extra. But Batman didn't buy toilet paper until the day he bought garbage bags - so, two and a half months in. And whenever Fishbowl is around, we go through so much paper I thought maybe she was eating it. Zak thinks she just dabs far too much for one little wee. Perhaps it's both. All I know is that a packet of eight rolls will last weeks and weeks when they aren't around; but when Fishbowl is there the average goes up to about a roll a day.

Today I nipped home at lunch time, and noticed that the roll (which was half used last night) is now GONE ENTIRELY. So we have a new theory - she's not eating it, or dabbing excessively - she's TAKING IT WITH HER. Maybe she's as useless as he is with buying essentials (milk, garbage bags, fucking date roll, and never has any at her house, either - and is now stealing ours.


And finally, there was the time Batman and Fishbowl decided to clean the kitchen...or at least, they cleaned all their own dishes, and left the rest behind. That might be fine when you're 19 years old and living with a bunch of lazy pigs, but WE DO NOT DO THAT IN OUR HOUSE. If you clean the kitchen, you clean the kitchen. All of it. We have a dishwasher, so it's not like it's that much of an effort. And they've had their shit cleaned plenty of times before that. But no, they actually worked around a wok, some utensils, and two plates - taking extra care to not even move them from their position beside the sink. And we take such extra care live above that sharehouse crap, that this incident was more insulting than the bacon or the crockery stealing or the garbage bag stupidity.

As I said, on the whole this is still a preferable living situation to Flapsy bloody Mascara Boy, but jeeesus. When you have put so much effort into having an open, comfortable, and friendly sharehouse - like the kind you see on the telly! - where people actually live together comfortably, as opposed to just awkwardly sharing the same address; it's frustrating and a little insulting when you have someone who still acts like he's living with a bunch of clueless stoner students or something.

But I'm moving out in two and a half weeks, so all this frustration is moot. That's not going to stop me being frustrated though, because if expending all my energies on meaningless annoyances and getting all worked up over things I can't change is wrong, then I don't want to be right.


*Batman: His name is Adam, and his last name is one syllable with a 'W', an 'e' and an 's' in it, and somehow Tammy got it in her head that it was 'West' (which it is not). Adam West. So he was 'Batman' from that day on.

**Fishbowl: They're big noodle bowls, and they're awesome. They somehow got the name from the Family Guy 'movie' where Tricia Takanawa humps David Bowie's leg and says "I MAKE YOU FISHBALL SOUP! FISH BALL!" Fish Ball sounds kind of like Fish Bowl and the name sort of stuck to those particular bowls, and they've been called that ever since. It makes no sense and perfect sense all at the same time - we name everything in our house.